Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
