when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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