i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
