he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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