I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
