He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
