I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
