dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
