dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There r osticjed everywhere
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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