wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
