Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
