look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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