Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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