yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
