yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
