the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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