Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
