just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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