Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
