do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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