dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
