The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
