Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I booty called her while she was in labor.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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