fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
