i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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