and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
