I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
