BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
