I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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