My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i now understand why vodka
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
