oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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