does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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