the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
