i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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