I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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