Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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