i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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