sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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