dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Barsexuality is the new black.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
