it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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