I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
