Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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