The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
