I wish I could teleport
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
