does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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