Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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