if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
