I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
