So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
