Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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