You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
