he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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