Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
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You. Win. At. Life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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