dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
