She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
